i’m leaving sometime tomorrow morning to start my vacation. the itinerary has me starting out getting off the plane, and partying on the shores of lake ontario with friends of my parents. it won’t be exciting.

on saturday, jeff and marcy and i are going to toronto, earlier than everyone else. this is where i will start straying. everyone who’s going on this vacation is coupled up, ‘cept me. (i forgot to have that summer fling to take along) so i’ll be exploring bits of urban canada until late and then take public transportation or a cab or find some way to get to the toronto airport in the middle of the night where we will all meet at the gate and be ready to take off at 5:30 am sunday morning. i probably will not have slept. i dunno.

the plane arrives somewhere on the yucatan peninsula just before noon, i think. i’m expecting to feel very dirty and grimey by this point.

presumably, we will arrive at our hotel at around 1pm sunday. i will take a nap and then shower and then stray from the scene or at least find something stimulating to do.

at some point i’ll get to see mayan temples and pyramids, which is really very cool, since i’ve never seen a pyramid before, except for on television.

(something about watching the learning channel with gretchen a while ago, and proof that there was a common unit of measure in the ancient world, from the mayans to the egyptians to who knows whoelse. i think i said it was aliens and gretchen said something about the single-continent “atlantis” thing, predating these civilizations, and bestowing them with such common knowledge long before the lands shifted and the peoples were seperated. and then i think i said “oh yeah”, maybe, or something like that, and felt stupid for mentioning aliens. but if i find any alien artifacts, i’m going to gloat.)

and the rest of it is up in the air. i guess i’ll see a lot of the beach. i doubt i’ll get bored.

and i know all of this is pretty boring, but really it’s the only thing i feel like writing at the moment.

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oh and also i saw (the) doves last night and they were incredible and i’m stupid for passing them up last summer.

they played videos on a screen behind their set-up and when they played “there goes the fear” it was this gorgeous mini-story of an old man who is in a grocery store watching his wife choose breakfast cereal and then just seems to realize everything he’s missed out on and he starts running and he throws himself into his car and starts driving and gets stuck at a traffic light and is remembering and wanting a second chance at all of these things he missed on his first shot and he gets tired of the traffic light and he gets out of the car and leaves it and runs and keeps running and all the while the band is playing the song and it;s glorious and i don’t know i think he runs through a few more memories and gets on a train and when the train stops||

i think that’s the video for the song, but i doubt mtv plays it.

-

okay i’m going to pack more.

(adam): If the Cash Brothers (Peter and Andrew, no relation to Johnny) ever come near you, go fucking see them. They opened for the Cowboy Junkies both nights. I bought their CDs at the show. They autographed them. We drank beer. They’re really damn good.

amnesoid: maybe peter does the astro.

(adam): No, he doesn’t.

amnesoid: maybe andrew does the astro?

(adam): Nope.

amnesoid: damnitboy!

madeliene,
shall her story end?
with this aftermath music
my broken french?

-sslean.

it really is very beautiful out there. i took a ride in it.

there were street parties with kids on trikes and youngmen teasing their dogs by swaying playtoys just high enough and all the couples on cary street holding hands and tongues licking icecreamcones in patio furniture and alternative stylings and wardrobes just outside the byrd theatre and people driving their cars and playing music they like and people who were smiling they were a part of it all, somehow.

sometimes i wish my prescription were strong enough to be a part of it all, somehow. pull me outside all i need is a shave and i’ll wash my face,all for you because youre the everything ive been waiting for havent you been?but i guess you probably wouldnt know, anyway i’m not lonely i’m not desperate i’m not falling for the weekend i’m just the air above the water in your glass, sometimes. and i know when i’m due for a new drink i hope life gets that thirsty, too.

never so simple he says, explaining how you get sad.

“maybe i’m just hungry for a holiday.”

that’s the new seven-inch, side A. a collaboration between the album leaf and bright eyes and i like it a lot. i got a turntable this week, and it’s the first turntable i’ve had since i was nine or so.

but yeah anyways kind of i feel like i’ve smashed my nose directly into a dark deadend and the walls are too narrow on my shoulders to get turned around or maybe i just don’t have the energy anymore, and i don’t feel like driving today, i only feel like staying inside and

and i think i know how i’m too difficult to know, and/or how i’m always absent right in front of youbbut rarely feeling it.

i have a feeling i’ve got it all wrong.

but i promise i’ll try to make something of myself anyways/

man i wish i was beautiful.

i’m going back to work on saturday. it’s good because i’m getting bored with my day to day life. and it’s good because i could use the overtime pay. and it’s good because i don’t mind my job that much, usually.

i’ve had a lot of jobs, and i like the one i’ve got the best. i’ve worked at a small town drugstore and delivered prescriptions and counted pills and worked the cash register. i’ve worked quality control at a stuffy shirt and tie manufacturing plant. i’ve worked at a nuclear power plant and had no responsibilities. i’ve worked at IBM and got to live in vermont and no one ever bothered to tell me what my job was. i’ve worked at an engineering consulting firm where we drew blueprints of buildings. i’ve worked at a print shop in a mall where i built picture frames for hours on end.

and now i’m a mercenary of sorts. and i’m not trapped at a desk and i’m not befouled by office politics. and plus it pays well enough to support all of my bad habits.

i’m only going to work for about a week at the most. which will be enough i guess. it’s not so bad.

i’d much rather work long hours everyday for weeks at a time and then have a week or more of complete freedom. rather than working eight hours a day five days a week indefinitely. it really works for me.

and it’s not sucking my soul away, i don’t think. i promise.

i dunno. but i’ve got to go get my oil changed.

and once you’re gone
you can never come back
when you’re out of the blue
and into the black.

-

in an alternate universe i have ordered a solemn song to be played at the foot of my bed, i have rusted into the shape of immobile hopeless, i drew pictures of the virus that stunted my growth it was like a policesketch of you, sick of yourself too.

a mile high into the blue, god was bringing me horses ;oh if there were ever a faith in escape. oh! shelter me from the kinetic explosions of summer.

i have fashioned an intricate monument to isolation and i have set it on fire to let god watch the reflection of rising flames in my eyes. the delicatelonely glow of cinders circling my pupils.

in an alternate universe tears may be coming to my eyes, frozen sideways and fetal, succeptable to sickness and re[pitipitipitipition. dying slowly and far beyond my tender reach.

stop. frozen. a feeling of black in the back of my mind.

never did suit you. well then, come on die young. this structure is a treatment that my body rejects. in my mind i am far away from here and falling fast,. i am a lifeless composer i have tears in my eyes in an alternate universe there are hymns soft on the air hymns for what never must be like.

& i wish i wish i am always left wishing, it seems.