hello. my name is tim.

last week i went back on antidepressants and also antianxiety, which doesn’t work so well. my family and friends have driven back and forth across the country to rescue me and take me to safer places. my boss has talked with my mother and says i am a very good worker and will wait for me to come back.

right now it is a sunny blue sky somewhere in nowhere western new york.

livejournal is where i fell in love with a girl who is called honeyslide, here. in the last few weeks i dont know where she’s been or what she’s been thinking.

in the last few weeks i’ve been out of my mind and also lost deep inside it. somewhere in the last few weeks i bled myself in a shower in some hotel room somewhere in north carolina. i could see the reflection of my eye in the chrome of the drain plug and i asked myself where i was. where was i and what was i going to do, with the red draining all around.

i haven’t been well.

i thought she was cheating on me and then i didnt and then i did again. i dont know what has happened.

i know she writes in a place that is kept secret from me but i knew the password and read all of the bad things about me i felt so bad. last night i told her to change the password so i cant see it anymore because i dont think i can read another bad thing about me.

i’ve tried to apologize for all of my insensitivity. i was getting better and i was getting worse and i was getting better and soon i thought my dying elastic heart would lose its elastic altogether.

i am not a teenager anymore.

in an hour i am going to see a therapist. i want to get better because i am not a teenager anymore.

emily you are the most beauty i’ve ever known. and i love you more than i have ever loved anyone before. but i am so damaged and i need help. maybe we are all so damaged and we need help.

my parents are keeping me here indefinitely. they dont trust anything i feel-maybe i shouldnt either.

this morning i’ve needed to hear “spinning plates” by radiohead so badly because it is going through my head forever but i have nothing here. i have no music and i said dad i need to go back, at least to get my music i need my music. and he turned on the radio and i turned it off. dad i need my music.

i had planned so much to write here, over the past several weeks. sad things, angry things, desperate things. i guess i’ll settle for this.

if there is anyone out there atall who cares you should know that i’m not very alright, but i am safe.

i’m sorry about me maybe someday i’ll be better at it.

where is home? when i cannot hold onto whetever is left of me where is home do i go? do igodoigo go home where is home, ever?

i think i will find myself where i was a child, once again, crying at the northern sky through that old bay window. outside the old bay window. lost in the western sky. a light i hoped was hope. that i haven’t seen for years. that i was forever lost. that i was content in being what i had to be. that i did not have to fear life. that life did not have to fear me.,there was that light-i convinced myself it was just venus and moved on and how naive!

if i go home (where is home, anymore?) i could end up there, for awhile. forever making peace with that child. that doomed child that doomed child. someone save that lost child no one save that doomed child. doomed, i cried once through the bay window at the huge fucking blue sky, only because it was blue and only because it was a sky and i was so humbled. and i knew i would never know anything i knew. only because it was beautiful forever.

i never recovered i will never recover. forever lost, ever. forever failed. forever . forever like the blue sky the light of hope los,t forever. was like me-i was like this.

mom say we dont die mom say we never die it is always happy we wikll never die mom Please say not like this forever

i drove back to this slow suicide in the very early morning hours so i haven’t slep t in thirty five hours. except this morning when i crept into the StaRting package and slipped behind the fivehundred horsepower Motor and laid my hardhatted head against the sheetmetal floor oh so peaceful the highpitched whistle of circulating lubeoil through bearings i dropped out of consciousness 10 feet above the ground you could see the people through cracks in the floor they were working working workingworking

and i dropped out 10 feet above the ground behind the motor i said to it with my eyes closed ‘how much longer do you give me?’ and the motor said and did nothing it just sat there and i asked again ‘how much longer do you give me?’ and it said and did nothing ‘how much longer do you give me?’ and nothing ‘how much longer..?’ nothing ‘how much..?’ no ‘;how.?’ .

i can say all of these things in unison
with everyone that feels gone and lost on me
and i feel forgotten, more lost than you-

i can wonder if i was ever good
was when i was really nobody
and no one knew-i think
oh! how i collpse

when i have to give up on myself again
;with so much love in me you’d
think id spill not suffocate

that someday i’d spill
long after everyone had drown

i am still not right after all this time
i wanted to be so right i wanted to
be everything you wanted, too

i thought i was going to be so
good, someday, be so much
to live with,i thought i was
going to be something different

i dont know why i held my breath so long

and i wonder if i’ll ever breathe again-if i can
make everything exactly how it should have been’

more than ever, i dont know what to do
about me