How i shall make my millions

In the future, the phantom of Orville Redenbacher shall visit me in the middle of the night. He will be floating at the foot of my bed, soaking himself in a phantom hottub.



Orville Redenbacher will disclose to me many secrets of botany, although due to my tendency to be scared shitsless of phantoms floating at the foot of my bed in hottubs, i shall recollect only one secret of botany, which is the one about growing a perfect corn, each grain having 100% effective pericarps. Which means that there are no "old maids", which is what popcorn experts refer to unpoppable kernels as. Which is weird.

Even more impressive: when bagged and buttered, and placed into a microwave at high power, all of these "new technology" kernels will pop at exactly 2 minutes, 53 seconds, 634 milliseconds. This means that there is no more burnt popcorn, because you will set your microwave for 2:53:634 and then all of the popcorn will be popped, with no old maids. The drawback is that you will need to wear hearing protection like the people who direct jet airliner traffic, since due to the physics of noise, each kernel of popcorn will be worth approximately 60 dB of noise, and since noise can accumulate on top of itself, all of the kernels popping at once would be worth an amplitude of sound pressure which will burst the microwave oven and your neighbors' childrens' eardrums, so there will be the hearing protection and the hulking cast-aluminum microwave ovens which need to be anchored to the floor.

But the important part, again, is that all of the popcorns will pop at the same time, and there will be no unpopped corns, and the populations of the world will have something to all be thrilled about in unison, and so everyone will forget what they are angry about, and there will be peace, and everyone will put on their ear muffs at 2:51 following microwave activation, and smiles will abound as the popcorn bowls are passed person to person.

Thank you in advance, phantom of Orville Redenbacher.