it is 2006. we are not in spaceships. we are not even close.

for me, in all of my epic staleness, it seems more and more likely that i will be moving to southern ontario, where the hair on the backs of canadians' necks will get erections, sensing an inferior american is present.

i am twenty-nine, now. forty percent of my life is history. huzzah.

orlando is actually very autumnal today. it is breezy, sunny, fifty-six degrees. lovely. i can't think of a good reason to go outside.

increasingly, i am listening to classical music. arvo pärt chorals, which are beautiful. gerald finzi, solo piano things. i know nothing about it at all.

also, boards of canada.

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i should get more friends, but i am old and burnt out on trying to socialize, trying to impress people. i miss my old friends. i am always far away. i hate to bother people. i am nice and considerate that way. you can always count on me to leave you alone.

i would swoon. maybe i should get another girlfriend, but just for six months or so. fresh love / fresh hate. you know the routine.

i sort of miss being young and emotional, even if was always skewed more than slightly downward. it was passionate. i can respect passionate.

i wonder if i will have canadian friends. i wonder if they would help me practice having real conversations, like a normal person. i think i would like conversations, but my voice is not wired to my brain, a lot of times.

i know it seems like i am sad too much, in writing. i am not really sad, just bored and always wondering how i should be like, if everything were ideal. i am never satisfied with the ways things are, and i think that is actually a good trait, most of the time. it is just sort of bad when you find yourself alone a lot, because you tend to focus on yourself like a magnifier glass, with a black handle, in perfect parallels to the sun's radiation. and you know the schpiel. you are kindling, then the smoldering, then the flame.

that shit can cause cancer, too.

i am not the same way in person, because i like to think that i am carefree and funny. because i am.

it is like being two people, one in live action and one in writing, like a legal document. and you know about legal documents. they are always very serious.

that's why it is hard to write down funny things, like making fun of christians. i hope i did not offend any christians. there are plenty of good ones. they are the ones who need to take back their religion. just like the good muslims. all of the reasonable faithfulls.

anyway, i should be more carefree and funny in writing. i should bitch and shoegaze more in action. c'est la vie.

i like to write "c'est la vie" everywhere, lately, even if it does not necessarily make sense.

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i am going to be an uncle for the first time, very very soon. and then! i am going to be an uncle again several months after that. i have not even been able to process that one, because i have not yet fully processed this one.

i feel like i should be considering babies a much bigger deal than i am currently considering them. i think: if i were younger, this proposition would loom at its proper importance. i am not young enough to understand prominence and priority, anymore. but then again, i shortchange myself, sometimes.

my parents will be grandparents. my grandmother will be a greatgrandmother. my brothers will be uncles, like me. but they will also be fathers. this is impossible, to me. i never knew that my brothers had this capability.

it is all impossibly important. children will be the only ones who remember who the hell we were, or what we were trying to do. their personalities will be a direct effect of our actions. in the end, children are the only thing that matter.

i admit this openly, even though i am pretty damn sure that i will not be involved in making children. some of us are responsible for filling the black sheep quota.

sometimes i fantasize that i am very good in dealings with children, that they would adore my company, that i would be a blast to be around, that they would look forward to me visiting. but i am probably overestimating myself.

anyway, i hope i will be an alright uncle.

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i need to make a mix cd, because there is a change on the horizon, and periods of change always require mix-cd accompaniment.

if i am successful, then i will upload the results, and my cyber friends can download it too. i want to be more worthy of your friendships, after all.

thanks for letting me do that.