METALLICA (with pointy, pitchfork letters at each end!)
in light of the watching of "some kind of monster", i am reminded of my position as ultimate critic of all things heavy metal, a chair which i had honed and sculpted in my earlier years, and which, i, only, have the right to claim. much like how there is only one guy who could pull excalibur from the rock. or stone. thing.
!
if i were all powerful in my logics, the following shalt have been commanded:
- lars ulrich would be banished to languish among those who suffer.
- bob rock would own a much worse fate.
- cliff burton would be cloned. there is no other way. despite the grimaces, this will require flesh samples to be taken from bus wreckage in a swedish junkyard. for logistics purposes, this was done ahead of time, in the month of december 1986. our subject is not quite nineteen, but has been playing bass since the age of three months. he is ready.
- dave mustaine would be brought back into the fold. he and kirk hammett would proceed to supply a heavy metal harmony of lead guitarists that the world will never again see. a onesheet would be sent to the citizens of the world, reminding them that there is no heavy metal without a proper amount of drug and alcohol abuse. welcome back, dave!
- as mentioned, lars has been banished. anyone could be drumming. for this example, we will take kirk arrington from the label mate and now defunct band metal church (yes, there really was a band called 'metal church', and yes, in 1990 we did enjoy them, but on cassette only). this will be the first time that two dudes named kirk play in a band together.
- bob rock would be burnt on a cross on-stage during a performance of "eye of the beholder"
- kirk hammett would come out of the closet. it would be considered "fucking hardcore".
- "...and justice for all" would be awarded the prize for 'last existing progressive rock masterpiece', per tim m. instructions.
- detectives would be sent out to investigate the fate and whereabouts of fleming rasmussen.
- metallica would release a statement, rescinding the years 1992 through 2004. there is no other way.
- oh, vodka. vodka, which i pronounce with a 'w' and a ridiculous russian accent.
3 Comments:
I worked at a chinese restaurant when I was 15-16 and near the front door, there was a picture of the 5' tall owner, Harvey, surrounded by the members of Metal Church. Which means, at one time, Metal Church travelled through Menomonee Falls, Wisconsin and had a hankering for some shrimp fried rice and Chicken Delight.
That, my friend, is fucking wicked!
As soon as I get home, I'm going to find my tape of Man-O-War and play it three times in a row as a total Tim Tribute.
Call a sistah sometime. We miss your dumb ass.
The Wife and I just watched 'Some Kind of Monster' (along w/ 'The Fog of War'... it was a very documentary-y weekend). We both thought Lars came off as more sympathetic than James (or if you prefer: JAIMZ |..|,) Seems like none of them actually want to be in the band anymore, but at least Lars wanted to move the band's sound forward if they had to record a record.
Also, can anyone confirm or deny if Kirk Hammett and John Leguiziamo are in fact the same person? Also also, Kirk, if you're reading this, dude, shave your head already. The plugs aren't working.
-AMM
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