&mpersand

i am invisible and nobody likes me and i don't belong and i won't be long.

plus i am ugly and uninteresting and have bad posture and am dumb.

plus i am not really invisible just not worth noticing.

plus i am fat and i am over it.

no i'm not.

also i am not vain, just disappointed in myself.

plus i spend money without investing thought in proper decision making.

plus i am pending a coffee and alchol problem.

plus somebody at work wrote in an action item that said "pending tim" and i said that sounded like a good name for a movie.

also i do not like houses that other people like.

other people like houses that are in soulless culdesacs and are the same and the same and the same one after another and they like to pay approximately one hundred and fifty dollars per square foot, because there are more people buying houses than there are houses.

also, fuck it because i don't think i want to live here for very long anyway.

some day i am bound to have courage and grace under pressure, even if it is only for a moment, sometimes a moment is enough

on sunday night i saw interpol and at one point i developed moisture within my eyelids. please do not desseminate that information, i am sure it was just a chunk of dust or a feeling of release from tension or something only very slightly sentimental.

plus, i did not talk to anyone at the concert, except for some teenagers in line. i planned the interuption of their conversation, because i was taking an active attempt at being more social, so i interjected a comment instead of not saying anything and staring out at the lake.

i saw the album leaf along with some other bands that i did not care about. that was monday night and i did not interject into any conversations at all, not even when jimmy lavalle was sitting next to me at the bar because i was second-guessing my strategy to socialize without inhibitions because i couldn't figure out if they were the enlightened ones or me, and i felt like an outsider and a wallflower but i called myself a wallweed in my head and i leaned hard against a corner because i was exhausted from being awake so much lately, and i contemplated leaving before the album leaf appeared, because i thought "who am i kidding? what am i really here for? what great fucking things could possibly happen?" but i stayed in spite of myself and i was right because nothing great happened and even though it was going fine i left in the middle of the set because it felt worthless.

also, if i like rocknroll so much why don't i just fucking marry it?

also i looked at five houses with a realtor last night and even though two of them were nice, they were all investments i did not feel comfortable with making and so fuck that, but i didn't tell the realtor lady that, because she is nice enough and she is taking time out of her day because that is her job.

also, during a break in the house action, i bought hipster jeans at the supertarget. i also bought a hipster buttondown which looks like a green tablecloth and it is made out of linen and it is hip, just like i said before.

tongiht the french kicks and calla are playing in town but i am not going because i don't care that much right now.

today i did fifty sit-ups and i ran once around the lake without stopping, except when i started walking towards the end, but irregardless i am still fat and i jiggle myself and ask if i am ready for winter and i say that i am, asshole.

plus tonight i was about to order $350 in hockey equipment until i realized that the skates were size 6 and the sticks were 46 inches tall and god only knows how the other stuff would have fit, so i did not buy anything. i would still like to make the hockey thing work out, because it is a nice hobby to have, when there is time to have hobbies again.

sometimes there are cars full of college students around the universty area that have potsmoke streaming out of the windows, and potsmoke doesn't smell that bad if you're bored.

during the interpol show on sunday they were playing 'filth pig' and 'lava' on the PA system while we waited patiently. i phoned chad and let them play on the voicemail, but later on he said he couldnt hear anything.

also i have been thinking about what to do with my vacation this summer, because i want to do something exxtravagent like when i attacked europe with a backpack and slept in small beds with rushing streams and fjords out the windows but never stopped long enough to memorize any of it, except when i missed jeff and marcy on their way to versailles and i collapsed in a dumb holiday inn express in paris and could not figure out which way was out ,andbut this time i would do something that qualifies as superfluously adventerous like climbing an iceberg in svalbard with a polar bear (cub) strapped to my shoulders, and delivering the frightened polar bear (cub) to its rightful dominion, or maybe just bicycling in aarhus and finding some miscellaneous girl and seducing her and making out with her at her huge danish apartment.

but also i have come to find out that i am a liberal and feel the need to maybe volunteer to help in some form in asia, but wondering if that can somehow be construed as arrogant, because people here find ways to feel negative about everything.

i will find something to do because i think that i have approximately two months' worht of vacation time this year, and i shalt not dilly dally!

also i feel weird tonight, just like i do every night, and so that's why.

also i am smart so i am going to bed early tonight.

good-bye.