songs of silent lands

my name is tim, and i am a citizen of the united states of america.

this morning, i voted for the first time in my life, except for that one time i voted at oak orchard elementary to protect school sports from the tightwadded old people. i was fresh eighteen.

but this morning, i voted for the first time for a president. i wielded my absentee ballot application and walked into city hall and i proclaimed "i would like to complete the ballot that i am entitled to!", and with fervor and fiery fingers, i completed the broken arrow that pointed to mr. kerry's name.

i also voted for some other people and things that i knew nothing about. wilder for richmond mayor, the dude who is not eric cantor for house of representatives. and "yes" to some virginia legislation, and "yes" to another. and a guy named dave ballard for school board, because i knew a dave ballard growing up, and he liked to talk like a cowboy while ordering at the mcdonald's drive-thru. and he was also my brother's friend's dad. although, undoubtedly, the dave ballard that i voted for is almost certainly not the dave ballard that i knew.

my trip to city hall showed me how richmond is very much like a real city at 8 o'clock in the morning. more like a city than how i usually see it. it was bustling around city hall. garbage trucks and traffic and the squealing of brakes and rushes of people along the sidewalk, with suits or hot feminine business attire, black or white, crowds at bus stops, the physically handicapped making their way, the lack of parking spaces, the chilly morning airs. it reminded me of toronto, somehow. all of the bustling.

i was wearing a jacket for the first time this season. it was my faded old green one, with the flannel lining. it is chilled today, and so i opened my windows, and i am using long sleeves to do my packing and things.

i will not take my long sleeves with me later, when i go to florida. florida is probably still hot, like it always is.

i will be in florida starting tonight, and for i hope no more than the next week and a half. and after that, i think i have to go to illinois for an as-yet undisclosed amount of time.

the Work is All. i have been criticized and lauded both, by co-workers and whoever. and i am impressed with my growing ability to be apathetic about all of it. i believe that i am as temporary as i want to be, and i want to be oh-so-temporary.

my resumes are still out and around. still no nibbles or awkward stares, or anything. but some day, there will be some thing.

--

i am trying to make an effort to be better at email. to communicate more with the people i should be communicating with. in college, i would email incessantly, to a fault. nowadays, i collect it, but don't seem to pay any attention to it. so i finally caved in, and upgraded to yahoo mail plus, and all of my accounts are connected to it, and all of my messages will be archived on the web instead of my lonely bedroom, and all of my anti-spam is cranked to high, and hopefully i will take better care, and pay more attention. try me?

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i did finally see "garden state" a few days ago. i loved it a lot. it's refreshing to see a movie like that after suffering long long bouts of monotony.

i related to the talking in the pool scene, the subconscious feeling of what "home" is, how where you grew up is embedded in your definitions, how nothing really feels like home anymore. how there's that need to feel safe and quiet. how there's that need to have somebody renew you and save you.

sometimes i catch myself wondering if i will be renewed and saved. and wondering if those things last. and wondering if i'll be that lucky.

until then, i am just another undeserving sap.

--

you should be lucky enough to find a pressing of the "Around" LP by Grapefruit, and toss it onto your turntable, and light candles and incenses into a dark room, and listen and stare into space for awhile.

chalk it up to lisa for the great find.

--

also, on friday night i am going to see pearl jam and death cab for cutie. it will be like i am eighteen and twenty-three again. it's going to be in an arena. which seems simultaneously so impersonal and so exciting. it's good to see a big overblown rocknroll show every once in awhile. it's very good, as a matter of fact. i never thought death cab would be involved, but that's got to be a plusser.

and pearl jam? that's got to be like old comfortable shoes. maybe with ugly new shoelaces, but still..

--

everyday at 3:00, i could use a nap.

i would, but i have to be on a plane in two hours.

it's too risky.

so here's to second winds, readers.