Sodas for Algernon, mfer!
I am having to retire my shtick.
I'm sorry about pretending to have shameful emotions. If I seemed sensitive at all, it was a charade. I'm sorry.
In truth, negative self-examination, or self-reflection, is unjustified, non-constructive, and therefore deplorable.
I am really only ever acceptably happy and unintrospective. Which is obvious. There's no reason not to be.
I mean, I guess I thought it was harmless, since it was only an internet shtick anyway. Anyone who has ever met me in person knows that I'm devoid of sensitivity and emotion. But yeah, I confess, I pretended to be occassionally shamefully sensitive because I thought it might increase my odds of getting laid, or I thought it might help with fooling my victims into thinking I was weak and disoriented.
Alas, years of occassional feigned despair have brought No such fruits, and have only caused irreparable shame, to myself and those who are sometimes seen with me.
I am truly sorry, or as sorry as I can be while only being able to feel a hazy completeness.
That said, I cannot hide my true self any longer. My sunshine and bravado have yearnings of their own.
I am going to start immediately.
--
Today I saw a dog. It chased a ball and was having fun. We did not know the dog.
We threw a frisbee. I had fun playing with my friends and the frisbee. I was not so good at throwing the frisbee, but I am somehow important and happy.
If the ice cream truck would have come, I would have bought an ice cream cone. I would have eaten the ice cream cone. I wish the ice cream truck would have come.
Today I listened to a record with music on it. It was fun. It made me happy.
Today I found more poison ivy on my arm. I hope it does not spread bad. But even if it does, it will be all right because it is only a physical dilemma and there is no reason to get upset. I will use bleach and razor blades. It will be fun.
Today I also petted a cat. It was a pretty cat. The cat was tired and yawned a lot.
Tonight I am doing some laundry. It is not very fun, but I need to do it anyway.
Tomorrow I am going to read a book called Vulcan Psychology For Dummies, and then after that I am going to tape my new Vin Diesel poster on the wall. I hope it sticks.
Mmmmm, cookies.
4 Comments:
Awesome Tim. Real awesome.
I appreciate smartassness as much as the next, but this one hurts. What I don't think you heard me say while I was trying to babble out my useless advice is that you're one of the few people I can bear to be around for a considerable amount of time because quite honestly, one of your greatest traits, and something that not most people have, is the ability to let people be themselves around you. Dude, I like you. I think you're fucking tops and I'm glad I have you as a friend versus any of the other people I call my friends.
I'm sorry I spoke. Really I was just trying to think things through and I tend to do that verbally. I'll go back to making jokes about gay sex and pubic hair....
We got to be able to laugh at ourselves, despite everything.
Besides, I agreed with you.
Sorry. I'm emo. I kinda took this as a bitchslap. I'll toughen up. :)
shit. it was 'tapposed to be a gut-busting self-parody, where one of my more sarcastic multiple personalities lays into the part of me that's always second-guessing myself. does that make sense? in the next episode, 2nd-guesser is gonna give some back.
i'm headed to the post office. proliferation has begun!
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