Friday, November 30, 2007

Niagara Falls, NY

When I returned everything was gray, like a welcoming party. It was a familiar gray of Winter. Winter makes people feel like rainbows, I'll bet. Winter is great for self-esteem.

I always drive through Niagara Falls, NY to get home. Niagara Falls is gray even when there are no clouds up in the sky. There are large pieces of plywood nailed up over cracked glass, and dusty signs with the names and phone numbers of realtors on them, and untended cobwebs. There are ungentle men casting glances from side to side before grabbing undisclosed items out of parked SUV windows, from parked SUV window sentinels. There is a wonder of the world and a thousand tourists three blocks too far away to be of any consequence at all. They provide a very soft white noise soundtrack for all of the gray to float around to.

The streets are mostly vacant and creepy and quiet, but there is always a large gray newspaper page tumbling across the road, back and forth. It always seems like a friendly newspaper, just checking things out over here and then over there. If you drive through Niagara Falls, NY three or four times, you might be of the opinion that these are unique and distinct newspaper pages, rolling across town like ephemeral tumbleweeds. But once you drive through Niagara Falls, NY ten times or more, you realize that it is the same piece of newspaper. The newspaper does cartwheels in a gust of wind, then rests, then another cartwheel, then another rest, back and forth across the dirty gray streets, into and out of storm drains and gutters and abandoned doorways. The newspaper hides beneath overpasses during rainstorms.

The newspaper page is the first, second, last and second-to-last pages of an edition of the Niagara Gazette from April 11th 1978. It features Michael Brown's first article about how there are twenty-thousand tons of toxic wastes beneath the 99th Street Elementary School and surrounding neighborhood.

The gray newspaper page rolls across 3rd Street, and Lois Gibbs forms the Love Canal Homeowner's Association.

The gray newspaper page tumbleweeds back towards Buffalo Avenue, and Jimmy Carter declares a state of emergency.

The gray newspaper page is kicked into a doorway on Memorial Parkway and the last of the bits and pieces of demolished abandoned contaminated houses are hauled away in big trucks. They probably put the bits and pieces in new landfills where nobody is paying any attention, but the rolling newspaper does not say for sure.

The gray newspaper shivers under the snow on Rainbow Boulevard and for the last time, a large downtown building blinks a colorful array of its Festival-of-Lights windows in perfect synchronization with "Jump" by Van Halen.

Might as well jump.

The very gray newspaper page is rolling down Main Street when I drive through. Right down the middle of the road. But then it moves towards the shoulder because it must see me coming up behind. It must be tired of crossing streets all of the time, being perpendicular to the intention. I make a slow swerve around the gray newspaper page from April 11th 1978. I give it an empathizing look as I pass by. The gray newspaper page doesn't look back at me. It is twenty-nine and its persnickety days are long gone, and so are all of the other kinds of days.

Its second page is calling for plentiful sunshine, only a few clouds.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Perturbations Framed Within A Chicagoland Hotel Window

As far as I have been told I am a person, and so I have a certain mass, which itself has a precise gravity to it. Usually, perhaps every person's gravity can be summed into the greater Earthgravity vector, but I like to think that as I move, I subsequently influence small movements in Earthgravity's vector, which has doubtless fucking universal consequences, probably.

Today I flew my piddly little gravitational vector from Buffalo to Chicago, and perhaps the Earthgravity vector has shifted by a trillionth of a degree, and macrodominoes have started to tip into some sort of action, and perhaps I have perturbated the trajectory of some distant star just enough to steer it away from a collisioncourse with some doomed civilization's beloved home planet, so you're welcome.

I am in Marketing nowadays, which means that I will have to travel while wearing fancier clothes more often. This displeases me, and does not come into warm congruence with my general character and sense of individuality, which I keep secret in a secret box underneath my bed, but not my normal bed but my secret bed.

Shhh. Do not tell.

I take short trips. During my time in Chicago, I will have the opportunity to hear or see maybe a hundred planes land or take off, before I get back into one myself tomorrow morning. I will not even see Wrigleytown and not even Navy Pier and not even that nice record store that I like to go to but forgot the name of. During my time in Chicago, I will be able to have a fancy dinner with at least three old men, and lick the finger that flips the pages, and flip a page and repeat the process, and explain that the one old man who is a "customer" should convince his company to spend 2.5 million dollars with us, but at least it is over the course of four years, which is really a pretty good deal if we are skilled at comparing it to Superbowl commercials or spaceships or Modern American Warfare.

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My Thanksgiving was fine, how about yours? We fried a turkey this year. I momentarily had my hand within the ribcage of a deceased and very large animal bird. I was fifteen seconds away from becoming a vegetarian, but I found the way out just in time. The way out was where the head used to be.

I made sure to study hours of YouTube footage of turkey frying disasters. In every video, a very well-equipped and concerned fireman dangles a turkey carcass overtop of a very menacing-looking vat of oil which has become hot enough to be categorized as a 'plasma'. The fireman drops the turkey into the pot and runs. The oil splatters and a supernovae occurs, flames consume the planet and screams of terror are heard faintly before the YouTube camera is destroyed in the cataclysm.

We made sure to have our pot of oil placed thirty yards from the family house, which is not an expensive house but it would be a bummer if it were to burn down. We engineered a turkey-carcass-lowering-system with a hook and a rope and a ladder and we would have used a pulley too. But then the turkey went into the pot and it bubbled and steamed a bit and we were all disappointed, freezing our asses off and drinking bottled beers with a light snow shower in progress.

It was a very juicy turkey. Everyone agreed: the turkey skin was the most delicious turkey skin that we can remember eating.



I have been hibernating, but the best defense is a good offense is what everyone says.

Monday, November 26, 2007

mix efforts

i have decided to make a mix effort. i displaced lots of efforts, and they all needed to find new homes upon higher grounds. i put a lot of thought into it, exactly too much like i always do, but i decided to make this mix effort more focused, meaning that it is only 38 minutes long, yes!

it is all old songs that you don't know. i like to put my efforts into things you did not seem to ever care about before. congratulations.

it is really fun to listenn to, so that is a plusser.



http://www.thetiredorbit.com/index-mixefforts.htm

Sunday, November 18, 2007

amber = old solidifed tree sap

reckoner, i still have my moralities, of all of the leasts that are allowed to roam my twilights, its shambled lands and shadowed romance, and oh yeah its moisture-bereft sky too.

even though it had never happened to me before last night, it would be nice if drunk girls made shocking passes at me and tried to explain how i smell like amber in their dreams only when the following conditions are true: 1. they are not presently in a serious relationship; and 2. they are not presently in a serious relationship with a friend of mine. but that's passionate people for you, i guess.

my behavior was exemplary, of course. my morality is exemplary. exemplary meaning "standard & expected". there are more and more of us who would like to be recognized and honored for exhibiting behavior that normal people are supposed to have, anyway. i would like a shining medallion in recognition of my successful resistance against making out with my friend's girlfriend. perhaps the shiny medallion is a figurative representation of the nonexistence of weighty and dramatic relations with people who have become estranged friends. huzzah.

it was just sort of shocking. someone with my endearingly low self-esteem levels never expects any sort of pliable attraction from other folks, beneath their inhibitions. not even phantom attractions conjured via wine séances. 'n shit.

anyway, i am also good at dispelling peoples' anxieties about things they were trying to do when they were drunk, after they are not drunk anymore and are concerned with the weirdness factor while progressing into the future tenses. my behaviors are an unflinching planetesimal, complete with evolutions which are timed in eons.



-

oh, romance. how irresponsible. i have not made a very good example of a boyfriend over the past couple of attempts, but then again the girlfriends weren't really doing too great either. i think we are all pretty shabby at it by now. we don't really know what we're in it for, even when it's all pleasant enough. that's the sense that i get. maybe i can theorize my shabbiness into a direct correlation against my time with emily. what a relief that would be.

i have tried to go on some dates lately, because that is what normal people do from what i understand. and the dates i have gone on were very pleasantly ephemeral and uncomplicated, but i don't know if anyone's getting the sense that they are on the verge of anything life-altering for their own particular betterment. maybe i am not opining correctly.

i get the feeling that my deciduous hormones will eventually cool, and i will phase into a troubling extended singleness again, and that will allow for my folks to wonder about my sexuality enough to make weird and out-of-place pro-gay comments when i am around. which is always good for a (nervous) laugh.

lordy, i would be contented enough to not have my head smote with the sense that i am wasting away in the absence of such etherealized importances. there is no need to hasten my apathies anymore than i already have, my logiccs say.

shall i overcome ?

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

happiness only real when shared



i do not own the courage to be chris mccandless. to know when you have paid your stupid and pointless dues, and then burn your money in a rage and abandon your car in the desert and start walking towards someplace that is far away from anywhere.

i went to watch 'into the wild' tonight. i had to drive back home without radios or ipods or or anything, just silence. tomorrow it won't be possible to listen to anyone talk about their stupid fucking television programmes, and i won't be able to talk about my stupid television programmes.

at least there are only two, and i do not keep up with either of them very well.

at least i have a wad of cash and a full box of matches, so these potentials are still in my range.

i will escape from society sooner or later. i just need to conquer my fear of bears, first. and my fear of bad hygiene.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Archaeology, Part #1

Adam & Tim's Dormitory Residence. Room #: ??
Fish A.
Rochester Institute of Technology
Circa 1996

Items Not Present In Photographs: Stench



Saturday, November 10, 2007

Pacific Radio Fire by Richard Brautigan

The largest ocean in the world starts or ends at Monterey, California. It depends on what language you are speaking. My friend's wife had just left him. She walked right out the door and didn't even say good-bye. We went and got two fifths of port and headed for the Pacific.

It’s an old song that's been played on all the jukeboxes in America. The song has been around so long that it's been recorded on the very dust of America and it has settled on everything and changed chairs and cars and toys and lamps and windows into billions of phonographs to play that song back into the ear of our broken heart.

We sat down on a small corner-like beach surrounded by big granite rocks and the hugeness of the Pacific Ocean with all its vocabularies.

We were listening to rock and roll on his transistor radio and somberly drinking port. We were both in despair. I didn't know what he was going to do with the rest of his life either.

I took another sip of port. The Beach Boys were singing a song about California girls on the radio. They liked them.

His eyes were wet wounded rugs.

Like some kind of strange vacuum cleaner I tried to console him. I recited the same old litanies that you say to people when you try to help their broken hearts, but words can't help at all.

It’s just the sound of another human voice that makes the only difference. There’s nothing you're ever going to say that's going to make anybody happy when they're feeling shitty about losing somebody that they love.

Finally he set fire to the radio. He piled some paper around it. He struck a match to the paper. We sat there watching it. I had never seen anybody set fire to a radio before.

As the radio gently burned away, the flames began to affect the songs that we were listening to. A record that was #1 on the Top-40 suddenly dropped to #13 inside of itself. A song that was #9 became #27 in the middle of a chorus about loving somebody. They tumbled in popularity like broken birds. Then it was too late for all of them.

One third

It is important to have some new things, even if they are borrowed.

I have a Richard Brautigan book that I borrowed from Tom. I read it while waiting for my breakfast. There was a woman and her friend and her ancient father at the next table. She seemed to be involved in writing and publishing for a living. She is writing a book called "Finding Jessica". I was eavesdropping. What a cliché title.

She was also very talented at having condescensions for her father, who had been unlucky enough to live to such an age where he would forget what he had ordered from the waitress five minutes ago, and he was unlucky enough to have a daughter who could take advantage of the fact that she could remind him of this every five minutes and belittle him for it. It made me want to be very old and kick my daughter in the teeth and then flee to the tropics. After having my forlorn leg replaced, which had no business kicking anymore ever, that is.



So I got into reading my book. I have not read much of a book in a long time. It is my fault, or it is the material's. I dig weirdness and skewed humors. And characters who cannot relate and maybe have given up on figuring things out for sure. I had a good feeling about it. I thought about how these nice little stories are trapped and lost in yellowing pages, deep inside trunks from the 1960's. I decided to type one of them, for the benefit of the internet and all of the people who are using it to fill in the gaps.

Besides, I don't have much of my own to write about, at least not now. So I will type out the things that I find by way of my own sorts of archeology.

This one is about typing.


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1/3, 1/3, 1/3

It was all to be done in thirds. I was to get 1/3 for doing the typing, and she was to get 1/3 for doing the editing, and he was to get 1/3 for writing the novel.

We were going to divide the royalties three ways. We all shook hands on the deal, each knowing what we were supposed to do, the path before, the gate at the end.

I was made a 1/3 partner because I had the typewriter.

I lived in a cardboard-lined shack of my own building across the street from the run-down old house the Welfare rented for her and her nine-year-old son Freddy.

The novelist lived in a trailer a mile away beside a sawmill pond where he was the watchman for the mill.

I was about seventeen and made lonely and strange by that Pacific Northwest of so many years ago, that dark, rainy land of 1952. I'm thirty-one now and I still can't figure out what I meant by living the way I did in those days.

She was one of those eternally fragile women in their late thirties and once very pretty and the object of much attention in the roadhouses and beer parlors, who are now on Welfare and their entire lives rotate around that one day a month when they get their Welfare checks.

The word "check" is the one religious word in their lives, so they always manage to use it at least three or four times in every conversation. It doesn't matter what you are talking about.

The novelist was in his late forties, tall, reddish, and looked as if life had given him an endless stream of two-timing girlfriends, five-day drunks and cars with bad transmissions.

He was writing the novel because he wanted to tell a story that happened to him to him years before when he was working in the woods.

He also wanted to make some money: 1/3.

My entrance into the thing came about this way: One day I was standing in front of my shack, eating an apple and staring at a black ragged toothache sky that was about to rain.

What I was doing was like an occupation for me. I was that involved in looking at the sky and eating the apple. You would have thought that I had been hired to do it with a good salary and a pension if I stared at the sky long enough.

"HEY, YOU!" I heard somebody yell.

I looked across the mud puddle and it was the woman. She was wearing a kind of green Mackinaw that she wore all the time, except when she had to visit the Welfare people downtown. Then she put on a shapeless duck-gray coat.

We lived in a poor part of town where the streets weren't paved. The street was nothing more than a big mud puddle that you had to walk around. The street was of no use to cars any more. They travelled on a different frequency where asphalt and gravel were more sympathetic.

She was wearing a pair of white rubber boots that she always had on in the winter, a pair of boots that gave her a kind of child-like appearance. She was so fragile and firmly indebted to the Welfare Department that she often looked like a child twelve years old.

"What do you want?" I said.

"You have a typewriter, don't you?" she said. "I've walked by your shack and heard you typing. You type a lot at night."

"Yeah, I have a typewriter," I said.

"You a good typist?" she said.

"I'm all right."

"We don't have a typewriter. How would you like to go in with us?" she yelled across the mud puddle. She looked like a perfect twelve years old, standing there in her white boots, the sweetheart and darling of all mud puddles.

"What's 'go in' mean?"

"Well, he's writing a novel," she said. "He's good. I'm editing it. I've read a lot of pocketbooks and the Reader's Digest. We need somebody who has a typewriter to type it up. You'll get 1/3. How does that sound?"

"I'd like to see the novel," I said. I didn't know what was happening. I knew she had three or four boyfriends that were always visiting her.

"Sure!" she yelled. "You'll have to see it to type it. Come on around. Let's go out to his place right now and you can meet him and have a look at the novel. He's a good guy. It's a wonderful book."

"OK," I said, and walked around the mud puddle to where she was standing in front of her evil dentist house, twelve years old, and approximately two miles from the Welfare office.

"Let's go," she said.

* * *

We walked over to the highway and down the highway past mud puddles and sawmill ponds and fields flooded with rain until we came to a road that went across the railroad tracks and turned down past half a dozen small sawmill ponds that were filled with black winter logs.

We talked very little and that was only about her check that was two days late and she had called the Welfare and they said they mailed the check and it should be there tomorrow, but call again tomorrow if it's not there and we'll prepare an emergency money order for you.

"Well, I hope it's there tomorrow," I said.

"So do I or I'll have to go downtown," she said.

Next to the last sawmill pond was a yellow old trailer up on blocks of wood. One look at the trailer showed that it was never going anywhere again, that the highway was in distant heaven, only to be prayed to. It was really sad with a cemetery-like chimney swirling jagged dead smoke in the air above it.

A kind of half-dog, half-cat creature was sitting on a rough plank porch that was in front of the front door. The creature half-barked and half-meowed at us, "Arfeow!" and darted under the trailer, looking out at us from behind a block.

"This is it," the woman said.

The door to the trailer opened and a man stepped out onto the porch. There was a pile of firewood stacked on the porch and it was covered with a black tarp.

The man held his hand above his eyes, shielding his eyes from a bright imaginary sun, though everything had turned dark in anticipation of the rain.

"Hello, there," he said.

"Hi," I said.

"Hello, honey," she said.

He shook my hand and welcomed me to his trailer, then he gave her a little kiss on the mouth before we all went inside.

The place was small and muddy and smelled like stale rain and a large unmade bed that looked as if it had been a partner to some of the saddest love-making this side of The Cross.

There was a green bushy half-table with a couple of insect-like chairs and a little sink and a small stove that was used for cooking and heating.

There were some dirty dishes in the little sink. The dishes looked as if they had always been dirty: born dirty to last forever.

I could hear a radio playing Western music someplace in the trailer, but I couldn't find it. I looked all over but it was nowhere in sight. It was probably under a shirt or something.

"He's the kid with the typewriter," she said. "He'll get 1/3 for typing it."

"That sounds fair," he said. "We need somebody to type it. I've never done anything like this before."

"Why don't you show it to him?" she said. "He'd like to take a look at it."

"OK. But it isn't too carefully written," he said to me. "I only went to fourth grade, so she's going to edit it, straighten out the grammar and commas and stuff."

There was a notebook lying on the table, next to an ashtray that probably had 600 cigarette butts in it. The notebook had a color photograph of Hopalong Cassidy on the cover.

Hopalong looked tired as if he had spent the previous night chasing starlets all over Hollywood and barely had enough strength to get back in the saddle.

There were about twenty-five or thirty pages of writing in the notebook. It was written in a large grammar school sprawl: an unhappy marriage between printing and long-hand.

"It's not finished yet," he said.

"You'll type it. I'll edit it. He'll write it," she said.

It was a story about a young logger falling in love with a waitress. The novel began in 1935 in a cafe in North Bend, Oregon.

The young logger was sitting at a table and the waitress was taking his order. She was very pretty with blond hair and rosy cheeks. The young logger was ordering veal cutlets with mashed potatoes and country gravy.

"Yeah, I'll do the editing. You can type it, can't you? It's not too bad, is it?" she said in a twelve-year-old voice with the Welfare peeking over her shoulder.

"No," I said. "It will be easy."

Suddenly the rain started to come down hard outside, without any warning, just suddenly great drops of rain that almost shook the trailer.

You sur lik veel cutlets dont you Maybell said she was holding holding her pensil up her mowth that was preti and red like an apl!

Onli wen you tak my oder Carl said he was a kind of bassful. loger but big and strong lik his dead who owned the starmill!

Ill mak sur you get plenti of gravi!

Just ten the caf door opend and in cam Rins Adams he was hansom and meen, everi bodi in thos parts was afrad of him but not Carl and his dead dad they wasnt afrad of him no sur!

Maybell shifard wen she saw him standing ther in his blac macinaw he smild at her and Carl felt his blod run hot lik scallding cofee and fiting mad!

Howdi ther Rins said Maybell blushed like a flower flouar while we were all sitting there in that rainy trailer, pounding at the gates of American literature.



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